Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Nearing the End

So here I am 9 months pregnant with Jordan...
And here I am 9 months pregnant now...

Besides my hair being longer and my facial expression being more pleasant, I don't think things look that much different. What da ya think?

I can't believe I'm at 39 weeks and almost there. HOLY SHIT, people! I really could go any day now, but I have had no signs. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, as Jordan was 5 days late and I remember how I felt as his due date came and went and the next day came and went and the next day and the next day. I do hope that TK does decide to be nice to me like Jordan was and help me to not make a big scene, in other words I pray my water doesn't break at work or at the grocery store, or rather at any public place. That's been my worst fear lately, every time I walk into Target the first thought isn't "OK, what do I need?" It's "God I hope I don't go into labor in here." I figure though that I can't just stay cooped up at home until it happens, nope, nah-ahh.

You know that feeling you get when you've just almost been in an accident, that pounding heart, oh my lord, holy shit feeling? I've been getting that a lot lately, and sometimes it's out of the blue and I think it's just the fact that I have a 7 pound weight pressing up against my lungs and other times it's when I really get thinking about this whole labor and delivery thing. I mean I know I'm going to have to go through with this, but there's a part of me (the part of me that usually changes it's mind as I'm on the climb of a gigantic roller coaster) that really wants to change my mind...right now. And then I think about starting all over with another newborn, the sleepless nights, the unknown of why the child is crying, the worrying if it's getting enough to eat, the lugging around of the car seat and diaper bad and now I have to worry about a toddler at the same time. What were we thinking????? Then Jordan will run up to me, give me the biggest hug, tell me he loves me and then I remember why. Oh my beloved little baby boy, every thing's about to change, and I'm scared as hell and god I hope it will all be OK for him as well.

I've been trying to pay extra special attention to him lately. He loved helping me put the baby's room together and I knew I should have dug out the video camera as him and Darric put the dresser together, he was using his Handy Manny tools and now there's a handy dandy little dent on the corner, but it's a memory dent. Sometimes the extra special attention gets difficult though when he decides to not listen and throw a tantrum over why I won't let him use the scissors to open up a box. Today at preschool he seemed very down and we sort of blamed it on him getting over this nasty cold that he's had for the last week, but I'm also wondering if it has to do with you know what.

I guess we've all been a little tantrumy lately, I got a weird look from a coworker the other day when I snapped at him over him touching my computer. And I'm sure if you ask Darric he could ramble off tons of stuff that I've given him shit about. He's good for it though. And the pregnancy brain is setting in more now then before. Tonight after filling my water cup, I started walking away and then realized the faucet was still running. D'oh!

So for now I guess I'll just sit back with my pounding heart, my cranky toddler and self, I'll try to stay sane and enjoy this short time I have left of being a mom to one.

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